Tonight, Not Again

For two days I found myself in what seemed like the middle of nowhere, as the family went on yet another beach trip.

Actually, Middle of Nowhere was a resort called Dive and Trek, situated between a mountain and the sea and thereby conveniently detached from the outside world.

The place is a cozy little diving and snorkeling resort that one could access only by taking an outrigger boat. The cottages and main area of the place are located on the side of the mountain facing the sea. Upon arriving one would initially feel quite isolated, but not in a terrifying sort of way, as the people working there are quite friendly, and the surroundings rather peaceful and relaxing. The resort even has its unofficial mascot, Bogart, an old friendly yellow Labrador who welcomes guests when they arrive by the port.

On the first day I went swimming and snorkeling and discovered two things about myself. One, that I easily get bored with snorkeling and with marine life-watching, although I do enjoy it to some extent; and two, you know how some people get their kicks from jumping off airplanes or climbing massive and utterly complex rock formations? I apparently get my kicks from swimming as far away from the shore as possible, with no life vest or snorkeling gear, and only a pair of goggles. I get exhilarated looking down and seeing the sea bottom so far away from where I am. Strange, I know, but I reckon weird interests such as this are the stuff out of which extreme sports are born.

After taking pictures of an orange sky (I absolutely adore orange skies) at sunset, evening came with a cool breeze and more peaceful silence. We had a massive buffet dinner, after which I took a walk. Pretty soon I was able to find myself a comfortable spot on the edge of the port where I sat down and let my feet touch the water. The stars looked lovely, as did the moon, slightly hidden by the mountain but with its yellow glow still easily visible. I sat there and felt a strange feeling of lightness. No burdens, nothing to think about, nothing to worry about – it was as if I had left all my anxieties on the other side of the mountain, or I had let the sea take them away from me with its waves. I sat there, listening to the lightly crashing waves and to “Tonight, Not Again”, and there was only me. No one else, nothing else.

I know a lot of people who can’t stand being alone, even for a few minutes or a few hours. I, on the other hand, have often needed my space, so what other people find to be loneliness in being alone I see as a strange, albeit pleasant, kind of peace - a peace that brings a certain weightlessness to my world. In such moments not much happens, nothing is said, and maybe that’s the whole point. I suppose sometimes, we all have to just shut up and listen to ourselves thinking and feeling things. Only then can we see ourselves clearly again, not as the persons that we are to other people, but as the persons that we are to ourselves.

That night, I sang the song in my head and I meant it with all my heart.

Ocean lapping voice smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky, and I'm all alone again tonight not again, not again, not again. And don't it feel alright. And don't it feel so nice. Lovely.

Lovely, indeed it was.

Tonight, Not Again
Jason Mraz , from Waiting for My Rocket to Come

The night.
She brushed her hands upon my flushed cheek
Smelled of childhood remnants of a dusty weeping willow
Clouds soothe, Shredded by the calico
Were oh so vast and quick as I was on my own now.

This time like every other time I believe that I never find
Another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
Ocean lapping voice smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
And I'm all alone again tonight not again, not again, not again.

And don't it feel alright. and don't it feel so nice. Lovely.

Still I'm unable to inhale all the riches
As I'm awkward as a wound on my bones
Still I've got cobblestone joints and plate glass points
As I'm all by myself tonight not again not again.

And don't it feel alright. and don't it feel so nice. Lovely.

Well if you should nervously break down
When its time for the shakedown would you take it
It's when you cry just a little but you laugh in the middle that you've made it
And don't it feel alright. and don't it feel so nice. Lovely.

Say it again. Lovely. So lovely. to do it again
Again. Loving again. It's coming again.
Lovely.